Mercy Face to Face!

I found myself praying, and as I usually do while praying I was listening to music.  Today my reason for midday prayer was the feeling that this breaking me to mold me was getting too much to bear.   I felt a defeated spirit. I was tired of not fully understanding his plan, I was tired of being seen by people as the same, and I was most certainly just tired.  Then I remembered a blog that I had wrote a while back that I never posted on a weeping God. I was taken back for a moment, not by some outer body experience or a sweeping up, but rather just a reflection of a plea and promise I made late July of last year. It was then I pleaded with God to change this disgusting man I had become, and I would in turn give him the keys to my life to do with as he sees fit.  I would follow wherever, do whatever, and ask of nothing except that in the end I get back what I lost, something I felt was undoable on my own. It was not promised it would happen to my expectations, but I felt a since of “let me take care of that void.”

Now for a second this idea of coming broken to the throne of God and then asking he give something in return sounds ludacris, however if we see anything in the prophets and stories of old; we see this happened quiet often and today it started to be too much to handle for me.  I was done; I wanted to know something firm, anything.  So I prayed and came to the throne boldly, as Paul said we should, and asked for this to end.  As silly as it may seem I even gave him an ultimatum; stop this and tell me I get what I want in the end or I am done. I just want to know something.

But instead of an answer to my immediate question I received an answer or display of my question of a while back and that of a brokenhearted God and does he exist, can he show emotion?  Instead of wrath for my boldness and sarcastic tone I received mercy.  Instead of damnation and casted out I received grace.  I experienced a side of God I have never seen or felt.  I seen a weeping, heartbroken God.  Then lyrics from the song playing in the background came to the foreground and seemed to act as the dialogue of our conversation.  It sent chills through my body and caused me to weep during and after it was finished.  (Below are the lyrics broken up into the dialogue I felt exchange)  It seemed as my emotions became evident his did as well.  As I got louder he did as well (Hence the capital letters), and as I cried he did too. In all after It was done I felt a since of renewed strength.  I did not get what I was looking for, but I found something more precious, the voice of a merciful God.  Afterwards it was like he then sent an old friend to give some light on a subject she could have known nothing about.  I hope by sharing this someone will find comfort.

Me: My tears run down like razorblades and no, I'm not the one to blame: it's you or is it me? And all the words I never say come out and now I’m ashamed. And there is no sense in playing games, when you've done all you can do. But now it's over, it's over.

God: Why is it over?

Me: We had the chance to make it. Now it's over, It's over.

God: It can't be over!

Me: I wish that I could take it back, but it's over. I lose myself in all these fights; I lose my sense of wrong and right. I cry, I cry. I'm shaking from the pain that's in my head. I just want to crawl into my bed and throw away the life I'd led.

God: But I won't let you die. But I won't let it die.

Me: But it's over, it's over.

God: Why is it over?

Me: We had the chance to make it. Now it's over, It's over.

God: It can't be over!

Me: I wish that I could take it back.
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart.

God: Don't say this won’t last forever.
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart.
Don't tell me that we will never be together.
We could be over and over, we could be forever.

Me: I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart.

God: Don't say this won’t last forever.  You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart.
Don't tell me that we will never be together.  We could be over And over, we could be forever.  It's not over. It's not over, it's never over, unless you let it take you, it's not over, It's not over, it's not over, unless you let it break you. It's not over.

Me: It's not over. It's not over, it's never over, unless I let it take me, it's not over, It's not over, it's not over, unless I let it break me. It's not over!